no excuses: 1 sabotage: 0

Let me start by saying my husband is a rock star.

He started this week running a 1/2 marathon in our neighborhood- interval style!- and breaking his personal best time. He has been in tech (final rehearsals) for his show every day and in previews of that show every night... a show, I should add, that is technically HUGE. He has continued his workouts every day and today he agreed to do the strength workout during his 2-hour dinner break before his final dress performance so that we could do it together. He is my hero...

So, I started rehearsals for my next show this week. It meant a lot that we could work out together today as we've been on different schedules all week. We did not complete the abs section- due to time constraints and both decided to do them on our own tomorrow.

After dropping Rob off at the theatre, I came home, fed our pup, looked through the mail... you know, the usual comin' home stuff, and then I came into the office to check my email for tomorrow's rehearsal schedule. I have so much to work on tonight for rehearsal tomorrow, so many more lines to continue to learn... I'm called at 10:30. Lunch break 1:00-2:00, 6:00 end of day. Now on any other day I would plan to do my workout in the evening but tomorrow is opening night of Rob's show. There's always a party opening night- lots of theatre folk and other friends... it's a fun night, obviously I'm not missin' out on that!!

So I did what I had to do.

Muttering unpleasantries, I rolled out the yoga mat and did the abs workout. Then I put on my running gear, grabbed the dog and her leash and took her with me for an easy run.

So. While sabotage is still a part of my psyche- and I have so enjoyed the thoughts shared by my fellow test-pilots... there's another voice in there now too. A voice telling me it's up to me... how I look, how I feel mentally and physically, how I choose to live each day. Every day, it's up to me. Well, today it's no excuses: 1 sabotage: 0

namaste friends...

Morning Manning Meditation...

We slept in this morning... ahhhh... and when Rob left for rehearsal I decided to postpone breakfast for a few more minutes and meditate.

Our pup, Lil, is outside and seemingly content lying on the deck. I set up my blanket and Zafu pillow... I like to set the alarm on my phone to time my meditation sessions, and when it goes off all I hear are delicate twinkly bells... a very soothing indication to open my eyes again. So, I go to set the alarm and it's flashing 11:05 as the "wake-up" time... I'm thinking, "that's 19 minutes- wow that would be great!" so I hit OK and I'm ready to go.

I sit comfortably- and in the spirit of Game Day- I'm donning my trusty #18 Peyton Manning jersey.

At first I'm thinking about the game... what's Peyton doing right now? I wonder if he slept well last night... I hope the team is feeling rested and energized... I wonder if Dallas will play? Jeff?- no probably not til next week... Who's the guy replacing Ed Johnson?... OK inhale exhale

The dog wants to come in. I hear this pathetic high-pitched whine and open one eye to see her staring intently at me through the glass, she sees me see her (the jig is up) and begins to wag her back end furiously as if she could shake that butt right off ... OK, I'll let her in and get back to it.

I'm sitting once more... Lil is resting comfortably on my blanket with me... inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale ...now I'm thinking about my nephews who just moved here from New York and are living in our old house... I hope they're getting settled in OK... actually I hope they're sleeping right now 'cause they had a long drive and unloaded the truck when they got in INHALE, EXHALE

Sit up tall, breathe deep, soft belly, Man my upper back is starting to hurt! relax, soften the shoulders, inhale, exhale So rehearsals start on Tuesday. I'm really excited... should I focus on going through my script and the complete text before Tuesday or try to finish one of the three books of literary criticism I checked out about the play? Probably it's best to stick with the text itself inhale rather than EXHALE, INHALE EXHALE Man, my back is tight!! And I think my sits bones are numb... yep totally numb inhale, exhale inhale, exhale...

So it pretty much stays like this the whole time, me circulating around the afore-mentioned topics, occasionally throwing in others such as: laundry, death, the wind, breakfast, and of course- the time. Fast Forward to the end of the session where I have now reached the limit of my physical ability to sit...

OK, I'm gonna stop now- I may not have been able to do 19 minutes (well 18 if you count letting the dog in) but I bet I did at least 14 or 15...

I open my eyes and stretch my arms up over my head. I grab my phone, turn it over and look at the time... HOLY CRAP IT'S 11:33!!! I had to do the classic I-can't believe-what-I'm-seeing-I'd-better-rub-my-eyes-and-look-again move, and it still said 11:33. Yeah, turns out the alarm was set for PM and not AM...that old chestnut...funny.

Who knew?

So, while I was by no means "in the zone" with much- or any- of my meditation, I managed to do it, to just sit for just over 45 minutes. I know it did me good to just be in experience of it. And the Colts did OK too...

my old friend sabotage...

I marvel at the ways in which I continue to KNOWINGLY derail my path to wellness. Ah, sabotage... hello old friend.

Take this meditation thing. I KNOW it's what I need in my life. It's week nine of The Project. Guess how many times I've sat for meditation? Just guess...no not that high... what?, not quite,... you know what I'll just tell you: four. That's right 4.
F-O-U-R times. That's not very many is it? No it's not. And I'm really trying not to do the shame thing. Wanna cut that out altogether but SERIOUSLY- 4?!

I had the opportunity to go to Kripalu earlier this year where I meditated every day AT LEAST once. I felt more calm, more focused, just generally happier and I was determined- I was RESOLVED to make it part of my daily practice... did I keep it up? No. Then the Project. "Hooray" I'm thinking, "meditation is a component and now I'll finally get to practicing meditation!"

So here I am. Week nine- almost week ten. Why am I denying myself the opportunity to really tune into myself? It's a big question... I have a few theories on the answer but rather than go into all that, perhaps I should just go sit....

order...

I find that with these workouts- at the start of each new phase- I am surprised at how much they... well... how much they kick my butt. Seriously. It's amazing to me that a relatively slight shift in the previous order of things can totally scramble the senses. And of course, Chris is no dummy. He knew darn well this would happen. Good for you Chris.

Just this week, after completing the last of the "new stuff'" (as Friday and Saturday are known quantities... relatively, of course), I cannot help but think about ORDER.

ORDER in my life.
ORDER in the world.
and DISORDER.
DISORDER is a bad word.
ORDER good.
DISORDER bad.

I have never heard DISORDER used positively in a sentence. I have never known anyone, or heard of anyone knowing anyone who aspires to have more DISORDER in their life. I have, however, in moments not too far past, used it to describe my life.

My perception of our world- perhaps I should say this country or this city, you get my drift- is that we want ORDER. It helps us to identify things. Then we know them because we can label them. How tidy.

It's funny, throughout this Project- and particularly this week- my perception of ORDER and it's less popular twin DISORDER is beginning to change.
ORDER suggests 'routine' to me, it suggests 'same'. And while 'routine' is comfortable and it's important in some aspects, 'routine' requires less mindfulness. And while 'same' is familiar, it's known. It's already known so the danger exists that there's nothing more to discover about it.
Stick with me now.

I know I'm getting stronger since I've started the Project. But these workouts have continuously humbled and challenged me. This Project is teaching me to let go of my attachment to "the ORDER things are supposed to be in!" and just be. Just be in the effort of the thing and laugh, or fall on my face or both. It's allowing me to see beauty in the gift of the absence of order.

And I'm here to embrace it.